The Most Bizarre ESL ‘Class’ I’ve Ever Had

Ok, I admit it–I cringe when someone asks me if I can give  English lessons to their bundle of joy. First of all, adult ESL learners sign up for lessons of their own free will, not because their parents cajole them into it. Secondly, I can relate more easily to an adult learner than one who thinks The Care Bears, Peppa Pig, or SpongeBob is The Best Thing Ever. It’s obvious that I prefer working with adults–that’s why I took the TtMadrid TEFL course in the first place!

Bizarre ESL

Ok, ok, they’re not all bad. One of my younger students drew this adoring picture of her profe.

Finding a teaching opportunity in Madrid

However, from time to time I end up with a class with the under-10 set. Summer in Madrid is notoriously slow when it comes to teaching English classes. I was hoping to find a job teaching adults, but a job is a job and rent is rent. Soon I found what looked like a fine opportunity working with three siblings aged 3 to 11. The gig was only a few hours a day and a short commute from my apartment. It would allow me to earn money while enjoying free time in the afternoons. How lucky that I snagged a summer job simply playing with kiddos in English! How difficult could that be?

Before I was offered the job, there was a trial run to see how well the kids and I meshed. The older kids and I got along wonderfully, but it was hard to interact with the smallest sis. She was reluctant to play with our group and cried easily. In fact,  the youngest daughter’s surly attitude and glowering gaze unsettled me. On top of that, I had never taught–nor entertained–a three-year-old before. The reservations were there, but I figured everything would be fine.

An off-kilter start

My positive outlook took a sharp turn the first day on the job. Unbeknownst to me, the two oldest siblings were away at camp….for two whole weeks. The mother encouraged the youngest child to do all sorts of “fun” activities, starting with having me trim, file, and paint her darling child’s toenails. The daughter–let’s call her Sara–was not any happier about this than I was. The first day she refused to breathe a word (in English or Spanish) in my direction.

That second day she actually talked to me. By this I mean she spent most of the morning wailing “DINERO!” and pawing at my pockets. That was the time we were dropped off at a kid’s play area in the basement of a fancy El Corte Ingles. Although there were plenty of (free) kiddy-sized houses to explore and seesaws to monkey around on, Sara ran straight for the coin-guzzling rides. She scowled angrily at me when another nanny forked over shiny coins to her charge.

By the third day I was dreading the job. The mom must have thought I wanted first-hand experience as a nanny for the ‘ole résumé, as that day she asked me to bathe, clothe, and feed my student (who, let’s be honest, wasn’t really a student). By now our relationship was painfully clear: she was the baby, and I was the glorified babysitter.

A brief stint in “Peru”

Each day dragged on, as we attempted to “play” and “have fun.” Notable moments include: Sara trying to jam a slimy plastic cucumber into my unwilling mouth. Sara’s mother encouraging me to jump and down on the (parents’!!) bed with her daughter. Sara explaining how everyone thought I was a “mala persona.” Sara asking me to play princess with her, only to find that with a flick of her wand I was actually destined to be the pet “cerdito” (little pig). Sara’s mother handing me the vacuum cleaner and insisting that I really ought to clean up better after her daughter.

I was on the downhill slope for week two when Sara came to me with an unexpected request. After shutting herself in her room (“NO PUEDES ENTRAR!!!”) and doodling for ten minutes, she had had a change of heart. Pointing at her drawing, she asked (ok, demanded) me to write my name on the top. She dutifully traced each letter before copying my name on a separate sheet of paper. “Well, that’s cute!” I thought as I watched her work. Finally, we were getting somewhere.

That “somewhere” turned out to be Peru. Sara informed me that this piece of paper was my ticket to a whole ‘nother continent. She led me to an easy chair, buckled me in, and whispered that I wouldn’t be returning for several weeks. “Oh!” she suddenly remembered. “Here’s your second ticket.”

The return ticket, it turned out, wasn’t even for Madrid. It was to her grandparent’s village in rural Murcia.

Bizarre ESL

Incredibly, we managed to survive two weeks of “playing” and ” having fun.”  Next summer, it’s adults or nothing.

Have you ever had a bizarre ESL student or class? Share your horror stories below!

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  1. Hahahahahahahahahaha oh man that little girl sounds like a handful, and yet another reason I’m really unwilling to give non-adult English classes. :E I hope you took that “ticket” to Perú and dropped the class!

  2. Hahahaha. OMG that is perhaps the most evil/hilarious little girl I’ve ever heard of. I hope you have so much fun in Peru 😉

    • Cassandra

      I’ve always wondered what Peru was like. I’ll send a postcard!

  3. Haha oh man this girl reminds me of the six-year-old twins I was an au pair for when I first arrived in Madrid. She is probably adorable (as they were) but saying they were a handful would be putting things lightly. I was called “pesada” and once had to confront one of them spouting off “Vamos a ver, bonita…quién es la que manda en esta casa?” Good luck with the rest of your summer!

    • Cassandra

      YIKES, I don’t think I could survive as an au pair for twins at that age :/ I can just hear ’em now, calling you (us!) names and wearing the bossy pants.

      Fortunately, this job was only for a couple of weeks. Now I’m free, free, free!

  4. Um wow… if this is what the daughter was like, I can’t imagine what dealing with the mother must have been like. To be fair to her, I can imagine having this random girl take care of her when she’s probably used to her mom was a sudden change and it sounds like the mom did not prepare her for it at all. I’m too young to remember but apparently my sister and I dealt with babysitters we were not interested in dealing with by refusing to deal with them at all by going promptly to sleep! (Then we would wake up in the middle of the night and keep my parents up all night because we wanted to play)

    I’ve had a couple of summer camp experiences dealing with unpleasant charges but nothing that made them want to send me all the way to Peru!

    • Cassandra

      Simply falling asleep to avoid annoying babysitters? Sounds like it worked like a charm! Except for keeping your poor parents up at night…details.

      To be fair, the mother did scale back the hours I was with her daughter after we saw that she was not adjusting very well. This also came with a reduction in pay to what we had originally agreed, but I was more concerned about getting and and getting out by that point so I didn’t argue.

      Glad you don’t have any horror stories from your teaching/camp days!

  5. Hahaha wow I would have quit after a day! I give you props for keeping it up! Hope it all worked out

  6. I’m sorry for your pain, but this is HILARIOUS.

    • Cassandra

      Be warned Tiana, something similar might happen to you in your upcoming ESL ventures!

  7. This year I seriously only want to give private lessons to adults. Ademas, I’m working at a guardería during the day, so I feel like that’s all I can take. BUT Barcelona is so freakin expensive that I feel like I can’t be too picky—I’m becoming desperate!! Ugh I shouldn’t have read this post, it makes me dread it even more (although it was hilarious 😉

    • Cassandra

      Every year I say to myself, “THIS will be the year I only have classes with adults.” But so far, no dice. I had a decent amount of adult classes during the school year, but those just wither during the summer. Good luck to you and your similar wish!!

  8. Oh my goodness! I cannot get over this…

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